I’m bored of Delémont = Delay

FESCH.TV INFORMIERT:

I can’t shake the feeling I’ve struck a sour note with one or more of the clips that I uploaded most recently given the marked contrast between the response to Have Jersey, Will Travel and anything that followed. Was my attempt to flirt fresh out of a depressive spell tacky and unwelcome? I got really anxious today thinking that I’d made an ass of myself by showing a little of my enthusiasm recorded at midnight and very shortly thereafter last night when the reality might be that you were already annoyed with me but I didn’t see the signs.

Instead of taking the hyperactive and impulsive route by acting on any of the ideas that bombarded me in my anxiety this afternoon, I think I need to acknowledge that at the moment, trying to use Vimeo to keep up with you is injurious enough to my mental health that I need to draw a boundary and step back while I can do so in a calm manner, free of resentment or anger. You can romanticize or idealize your continued attachment to the use of a VPN to imitate engagement with the content I upload to this channel all you like, but from where I’m sitting right now, it feels more like I’m trying to talk to someone I love who keeps turning around to face away from me so I can read a printout of a Wikipedia page on the back of their head when I speak, rather than sharing something special that only incredible romantic chemistry could have cultivated, as it once felt.

Speaking of Wikipedia, in case my gaff involved disappointing you by missing something you’d intended to indicate with the plethora of new towns used in your response to HJWT, I thought I should mention that after examining a few pages of them, I experienced a moment in which I lost focus, like a needle skipping out of the groove of the verbal structure I was reading, and when I couldn’t seem to get it back after a few unsuccessful attempts to reread the paragraph I was on, only for it to continue to slip as my attention failed to grip the start of any sentence that would enable me to retain or comprehend anything I tried to read, until I started flipping between the many open tabs in my browser more or less at random in hopes of my attention sticking to any word at all instead of zoning out, panic set in because of the fear of “failing the audition”, so to speak, by coming up short in my fluency in the language we invented, and I had to find something else to do that I could actually manage to focus on in order to keep my self-esteem from cratering.

It was a scene that could have been lifted from an infotainment production on ADHD if I’d been a kid in school trying to do geography homework afraid of earning the mockery, disappointment, or criticism of friends, teachers or parents. Thankfully, I’m in a considerably better place than I was not long ago, so I have the wherewithal to recognize a damaging influence in my life and take steps to draw limits without lashing out with my words out of fear. I am at peace with this decision and I feel no desire to throw any of this in your face or pin any blame on you. I don’t know whether or not your attachment to letting Wikipedia speak on your behalf is so strong that you’d let what we’ve built fade to nothing because my mental health has made the final climb to the summit too steep to manage without a spotter, but I do know as it stands I’m in no position to help you reflect on the roots of that attachment and I’m certainly not attached enough to producing content to put my well-being on the line, so I’m not going to renew my subscription to Vimeo when it expires on Sept. 30th.

If you still want to stick to place names, by all means, put your money where your mouth is, stock up on postcards from Chicago, Singapore, Indonesia etc. and mail ‘em my way with nothing but my address on the other side and maybe the title of any of the clips I’ve produced over the years and I’ll know who they’re from, but you are of course always welcome to articulate yourself with the kind of care you put into the speeches your fans scream over top of; your feelings deserve no less and I dare say you won’t need to shush me to be heard. For my part, I’m getting off Twitter too, going to see my friend in Kingston, and we’ll see what comes next.

Keep an eye on your mailbox!
XOXO